Day One: I should write in this blog

I mean, I have this dang blog. I should use it!

We're getting close to thesis-writin' & finishin' time. There are 172 days until it is due. I was joking around with another MFA student that I would just turn in a "Diary of the Last One Hundred Days" as my thesis, detailing my cranky complaints, my feud with the facilities department at the New School, a rant about various writers and/or artistic movements, a hurling of epithets at my instructors (j/k ya'll!), gossip, rumors, unsubstantiated allegations, scientific marginalia, and anything else I deem noteworthy. I might just keep a diary anyway, just because I'll never get back those treasured moments of total stress, agony and creative wrangling. Yay!

So, Day One: I set the counter at 172 days. I got a bagel because I skipped dinner last night to sit through all 2000 hours of the National Book Awards readings. While I was listening to the readings, I wrote 1-2 word impressions of each reader. Because I am really just here to serve you, my zero readers, here you go:

Laurie Halse Anderson, Chains (YA lit): TARTAN.

Frank Bidart, Watching the Spring Festival (Poetry): Ugh. Sestina.

Drew Gilpin Faust, This Republic of Suffering (Non-Fiction): Garfield, Meh.

Aleksandr Hemon, The Lazarus Project (Fiction): INDIFFERENT.

Kathi Appelt, The Underneath (YA): CATS. FUCKING CATS.

Mark Doty, Fire to Fire (Poetry): HELL YES.

Annette Gordon-Reed, The Hemingses of Monticello (Non-fic): Finally.

Rachel Kushner, Telex from Cuba (Fiction): Forgettable.

Judy Blundell, What I Saw and How I Lied (YA): Very good.

Reginald Gibbons, Creatures of a Day (Poetry): MELLIFLUOUS.

Joan Wickersham, The Suicide Index (Non-fiction): SEARING.

Peter Matthiessen, Shadow Country (Fiction): GOAT MAN.

E. Lockhart, The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks (YA): BOOB!

Richard Howard, Without Saying (Poetry): Choked turtle.

Jim Sheeler, Final Salute (Non-fic): Sentimental

Salvatore Scibona, The End (Fict): Flat planed.

Tim Tharp, The Spectacular Now (YA): Incongruous

Patricia Smith, Blood Dazzler (Poetry): Tingling

Jane Mayer, The Dark Side (Non-fic): Methodical

Marilynne Robinson, Home (Fict): Delicate

I know, its like you were there with me, right? Actually, I went on a tear taking notes about Peter Matthiessen's performance, because I felt he behaved himself quite poorly last night. Sometimes I really do think some of these old literary men are more hype than quality, and they are easily shown up by younger, fierce female writers like Joan Wickersham and Patricia Smith, who really have something to contribute and who deserve our attention much more.

Matthiessen, for one, had to follow Joan Wickersham's searing, incredible reading from her memoir about her father's suicide. And here comes this old, horny geezer, reading tired lines about the "apple bosom" of his female characters and barely stumbling his way through. The disparity could not have been more evident between them. I was so bored and uninterested in his reading that I could barely wait for him to be finished. I felt embarassed that we were forced to heap laurels upon someone so obviously from another generation, so obviously dated and so full of his own self-regard. Bah. Honestly, was there not one single book better than his for the nomination? Can we stop celebrating the work of old white men who have already been celebrated and look at what the next generation is doing already?

Ok, end rant. That's day one for you!

Updates on books for a change

I'm back in the swing of reviewing work -- I have three big reviews that I'm currently working on, and they will all be coming out in the fall. Lately, I have such a passion for debut novelists -- I want to give these people the critical reception they deserve after launching their (hopefully successful) publishing careers. It is what I will want if I ever get my work scraped together enough to publish, so I feel it is only right to give that to them.

Also, it is pretty exciting to see the new generation of writers -- there could be something amazing in the mix, you never know. My giddy book nerd instincts are all aflame these days.

On a totally unrelated note, about 5 a.m. this morning I woke up and reached for whatever book was in bed with me (I typically sleep with 3-4 books in the bed). I grabbed a copy of an old George RR Martin paperback, the first of his A Song of Ice and Fire series. I started re-reading and realized just how much I enjoyed those 1000+ page books. Say what you will about the nerdiness of that, but Martin is quite good at what he does.

Whereas Tolkien was more of a mythologist -- he brought the language of saga and myth to the fantasy/sci fi novel -- Martin is, in my opinion, a very keen political writer. His work features dozens of characters, reflecting a wide variety of houses and interests, in a epic which is just as much about the politics of a nation as it is about good, old-fashioned sword-and-sandals fantasy. What I love about these books is the way the plot lines swoop in and around each other, getting entangled, becoming further complicated and elaborate. Personally, I think the swords/dragons angle of the book is almost beside the point -- it is the dynastic wrangling that makes these books so addictive. While Tolkien made you feel like you were reading noble, grand prose (a bit like the Bible), Martin makes you feel like you're reading a really good political analysis.

His next one in the line is out in September. I'm dying to get a review copy and write something really giving Martin the credit he deserves, but I think the mainstream review publications are a little wary of him still. Time will tell if his work endures -- but I'm willing to bet he's recognized by mainstream reviewers eventually, much the same way that Stephen King has.

BBC Headlines: Crisis! Loo Shortage!

We begin with the ever-conscientious British Parliament: MPs take on the cistern. Apparently the public toilets in England need some overhauling.

The best part about that article, though, is one of the pictures embedded in it:


Caption: Phyllis Starkey is on a mission to solve Britain's loo shortage

That poor woman, forever associated with "Britain's loo shortage." Maybe when you google that, you will get Phyllis Starkey's face...?!?

This next one just shows you that I'm becoming desensitized to the BBC's terse headlines style. The headline is 'Policeman praised for mud rescue'. Nope, he did not rescue the mud as this headline seems to imply. He rescued two children from the mud. Prepositions! A dying breed.

When all else fails, the Phoenix tries shake and sprinkle.

And last but not least, the disabled bowler avoids prison, but the lollipop man attacker is imprisoned. Tough luck on that last one.

Gay Marriages More Egalitarian

There's a great article in the NY Times today about recent studies about same-sex marriage and what they suggest about the role of gender in marriage. I'm quite excited about this article, because I've been saying for years that marriage, for women, is a bad deal. (I believe the exact, inflammatory phrase I use to upset my more conservative Southern family is, "Marriage is a form of legal prostitution for women.")

Here's my favorite bit:

“Heterosexual married women live with a lot of anger about having to do the tasks not only in the house but in the relationship,” said Esther D. Rothblum, a professor of women’s studies at San Diego State University. “That’s very different than what same-sex couples and heterosexual men live with.”

Thank you. That is exactly the point I've been trying to make for years. Along with all the really good reasons to let gays and lesbians get married -- it's the right thing to do, etc. -- there is the additional reason that same-sex marriage will expose the fact that our traditional notions of marriage are not based on any kind of biological, gendered roles for men and women but purely on cultural myths that persist in our society. And that is good for everyone. It is good for gay and lesbian folks because it further challenges this idea that they are somehow "aberrant" for being women with so-called 'masculine' traits or men with 'feminine' traits. And it helps heterosexuals to understand that a relationship isn't about "a man does this and a woman does that" which does nothing but further divide and alienate men and women.

Not to mention the fact that I'm looking forward to the Bridezilla battles between women and their former gay wedding planners now looking to book the same venues. It is on!

BBC Headlines: Getting Eaten by Dragons

Ah the weekend. Full of wonderful, weird stories from the BBC.

Like this one, which goes into detail about how likely you are to be eaten by a komodo dragon if you wash ashore on an island, dehydrated and near death. Not likely, if there's only one or two and you have enough strength to pelt it with stones. Good to know!

And this one: Cancer boy's stories help charity. Seriously?!?! Cancer boy? This kid survives a terrible disease and writes two books, the money from which he donates to a charity, and all you can come up with is CANCER BOY?!?! I would have at least thrown in some alliteration: 'Cancer boy chronicles case for charity cash' has a very nice ring to it.

This one takes a minute to unpack. The headline is: Stab death of porn charge ex-Pc. What's going on here, you ask? Ok. A former police constable who was up on charges of child pornography was stabbed to death. But I don't know how you're going to figure that out from the headline, which is weird and garbled.

I wish there was a picture for this one: Kitten rescued by vacuum cleaner.

And finally for those panda-porn aficionados out there: Giant panda sex secrets revealed. Oh yes, there is video.

BBC Headlines: Oh, Blah.

This picture pretty much sums up how I feel about the BBC website:



You have to read this whole story: Red faces over 'blah' drug answer. Someone actually responded to a government request about drugs in prison by writing "Blah." And it "only occurred in the version sent to journalists." Someone out there is generating material for the Absurd/Alliterative Headlines Department...

BBC Headlines: Children Brush Alone

This is very troubling: Many children 'brush teeth alone.' Unsupervised teeth-brushing is a huge crisis nowadays.

Update on the ear-biter is here. He's going to jail, obviously. And disturbingly, the article reports that he "invited bus passengers to photograph the severed part." Yipes!

And finally, sausage saves knife accused woman. Because in this age where our heroes are increasingly discredited, the sausage can still stand as a beacon for morality and courage.

BBC Headlines: Monkey Puzzle Tree

Right away, let me just bring your attention to the headline that BBC Stars are not paid too much. Instead, I would like to argue that the BBC headline-writers are not paid enough!

I mean, granted, this is seven words so a bit longer than the formula, but you can't deny this is seven words of brilliance: Man bit off and hid friend's ear. Succinct yet chilling. And of course, this is from Wales.

More bits of poetic brilliance:

Dirty hospital practices revealed!

Church in the sea goes electric.

And frankly, I know you were on tenterhooks about this one, but the monkey puzzle tree decision is due. So calm down already!

They're on to me

I check the BBC News - Wales site so often that I got asked to do an opinion survey. Clearly, they're on to my frequent cruising for another piece of gold from the Absurd/Alliterative Headline Department. Soon, I'm sure I will be recruited to join their elite ranks.

Meanwhile, the story labeled 'Strong winds wreck campsite tents' was the number one Welsh news story on Wednesday. Really, you guys? That was number one? You had nothing better to read about?

And there was Anger over exploded garage mess. I should think so!

Nice bit of alliteration here: New reef brings surf safety fears.

And last but not least, somebody call Arnold Schwarzenegger. Skynet is being built in Britain.

BBC Headlines: Monkey Brains/Robot Arms

Credit to Martin Roberts, who found and alerted me to the 'Monkey's brain controls robot arm' story AND video on the BBC science page right now.  I can think of nothing better than bringing together the monkey and the robot in this incredibly awesome way.  

If the Ricky Gervais podcasts were still going on, I'm sure that would make it into "Monkey News."  

BBC Headlines: Cake Poison Woman

I'm sure when Carlos Santana penned his magnum opus, "Black Magic Woman", he never imagined that I'd be sitting at my desk humming the tune to the BBC headline about the "Cake Poison Woman."

I've been following her saga since April 2nd, when I learned that the Cake poison woman pleads guilty. (Please note the picture of the cake in question, plus the caption which informs you that "blobs of the poison are clearly visible in the cake.")

Well, today our long transatlantic nightmare finally comes to a close. "Poison cake woman spared prison"! Hurrah! Details are here.

Sadly, no more pictures of the cake in question and its little green blobs.

BBC Headlines: The Beavers are Back!

Of course, front and center, there's a cute-cat-in-Japan article. Millions are dying from famine, natural catastrophe and senseless civil war all over the place, but it is the cat conductor on the railways that matters!

Fancy dress man 'killed by punch'. At first, I thought it was the drink punch, but no, it is the throwing-a-fist punch. The worst part? He was dressed like a Ghostbuster.

Try to say this one quickly five times: Barbecue embers sparks grass fire.

Science probe for space pistols.

Beavers to return after 400 years. Um...where have they been all this time???

BBC Headlines: Pet Skunk Stink & Dead Fly Case

One of my favorite things to do online is a quick perusal of the BBC website for its more unusual (read: absurd) headlines. For some reason, they stick to a very strict 5-6 word headline limit, which can result in some strangely cryptic and brilliant headlines. I started this years ago when a friend of mine got me hooked on it, but recently I started keeping records of the best ones from each day. I've just been sharing them with two coworkers, but it seems like it is time to keep them as a part of my blog. Thus, we're going to start the "BBC Headlines" label and throw it open to the general public.

Before I get into the headlines of this week, though, let me show you why this is worth doing. Here are some of the "best" ones we've found recently:

From April 7th, an example of their commitment to alliterative effect: Drug dog suspended for duck death

From April 18th, about a queer smell coming from Germany: Pong in the air is Euro-Whiff (My coworker and I actually put this to music, so we can sing the line "pong in the air is euro-whiff.." Its quite catchy. Credit: Meghan Roe)

From April 23rd, an example of the wonderfully cryptic tone in the 6-word style: No sex for all-girl fish species (Credit to Martin Roberts for that one.)

I've often speculated that there are some disgruntled, underpaid journos at the BBC who come up with these headlines as a way to mitigate the mind-numbing boredom of covering the local news. I like to call them the Alliterative/Absurd Headlines Department. Whenever there's a story about a drunk man cutting off his pet snake's head or an inflatable pig going loose at a concert, they send it over to the A/A HD in order to get a 6 word piece of gold out of it. Let us enjoy their daily work....

Recent headlines:
Hairdresser loses dead fly case. (Not the tragic story of a loss of a box full of dead flies as you might imagine. Credit: Martin Roberts)

Council kicks up pet skunk stink. (They love the smell so much, they just kept kicking it.)

Paint chemicals 'may harm sperm.' (On the main page, this head line is "paint chemicals may hit sperm," which I think adds a little something more, don't you?)

Bus drivers take saliva samples. Ok, with all due respect to the BBC, you guys could have done so much better with this one. The article mentions that they get 'spit kits.' C'mon guys, that one was ripe for a headline! Like: "Bus drivers armed with 'spit kits'" or "Spit no more on the bus" or something. The Absurd/Alliterative Headline Department at the BBC is definitely phoning it in on that one.

Cybrids - the new slave race?

There's an interesting editorial on the NY Times Olivia Judson blog about a bill in the U.K. approving the fusing of animal and human DNA into "cybrid" embryos. I pointed it out to a coworker yesterday and her only response was, "What, like a new slave race?"

For some reason I found that hilarious. Slave race = laugh riot, I guess.

I'm still looking for a roommate, so anyone wandering here as a potential roommate I suppose will find out that I'm a book nerd, and I'm a relatively bad blogger. Listen, kids, I did start blogging in 2001! It was just on this super oldster-site called Opendiary.com and I kept my diary there pretty private. It still exists, I still occasionally throw a post up there, mostly because of the community of 2 dozen or so people that I care about. I went through that whole early-20s Overshare/TMI experience online back before you could end up writing an article in the NY Times magazine based on your blogger status (like Emily Gould has done for this weekend). Back then, all you got when you overshared online was an occasional moment when you got asked by a reader of your site.

But those days are over now! I'm just gonna write about books'n'stuff. I am just now catching up on all the Best of 2007 books I couldn't read because of grad school, and I have to admit: The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao totally deserves the praise it received. I was so moved I actually cried at the end, and that happens only .000001% of the time in my black, scarred book-reviewer heart.

I have an assignment for BUST magazine I'm now working on (which is, groan, a memoir about religion), but then its back to working my way through the 2007s, as well as taking a crack at the syllabus for my fall seminar.

The One Page

I feel like I have too many internet sites to log into and update -- Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Blogger, Gmail, etc. There needs to be some sort of merged site with all these features -- I think Facebook is trying to achieve that, but who knows how long that one will be viable. Will we just become internet nomads, roaming from social networking site to social networking site, as popularity rates rise and fall? Is any of this productive or just useless chatter, filling up space in the void and really going nowhere?

If I'm going to be an internet gypsy, I'm going to do it Stevie Nicks-style -- leaving draped shawls and dove feathers in my wake, ya'll. I'm singing a song that sounds like I'm singing, ooh baby, ooh, I said ooooooh. (Sorry, brief seizure/Edge of Seventeen moment.)

For bookish people, the internet is now a reality, and day by day, more and more of us realize we have to make peace with it and learn to use it. This video from Dennis Cass pretty much sums up how many of us are feeling right now -- I gotta do what? Seriously? Ok, ok. I'll frickin' Twitter, man. I'm going to be all up in yo' Twitter grillz.

The Art of Getting Into Trouble

I've been having such a tough time this past spring semester -- I've been sick basically since mid-March, and it has affected my work, my writing and my personal life in ways I never even thought possible.  Wonderful, good things have also happened, and I'm trying to remember that and not let the bad define everything.  In pursuit of that, I dug up this commencement speech that a friend of mine passed on to me 10 years ago, when I was just a wee young speechwriter for a politician in Tennessee.  I find this helps me focus my energy right now:

The Art of Getting Into Trouble

(Delivered by N. Hobbs, May 1968, as a commencement address at the Peabody Demonstration School, Vanderbilt University, Nashville, TN)

Life is highly problematic and what you become will rest in no small measure on the kinds of problem situations you get yourself into and have to work yourself out of. It is exceedingly difficult for a person to take thought and alter the quality of character and direction in his life. However, he can choose the direction he would like his life to take and then put himself deliberately in situations that will require the evolution of himself toward the kind of person he would like to become.

It is deep in the nature of man to make problems for himself. Man has often been called the problem-solver, but he is even more the problem-maker. Every noble achievement of men -- in government, art, architecture, literature, and above all, in service -- represents a new synthesis of the human experience, deepening our understanding and enriching our spirit. But each solid noble achievement creates new problems, often of unexpected dimension, and man moves eagerly on to face these new perplexities and to impose his order upon them. And so it will be, world without end. To know a person, it is useful to know what he has done, another way of defining what problems he has solved. It is even more informative, however, to know what problems he is working on now. For these will define the growing edge of his being.

We sometimes think of the well-adjusted person as having very few problems while, in fact, just the opposite is true. When a person is ill or injured or crushed with grief or deeply frightened, the range of his concerns become sharply constructed; his problems diminish in scope and quality and complexity.

By contrast, the healthy in body and mind and spirit, is a person faced with many difficulties. He has a lot of problems, many of which he has deliberately chosen with the sure knowledge that in working towards their solution, he will become the person he would like to be.

Part of the art of choosing difficulties is to select those that are indeed just manageable. If the difficulties chosen are too easy, life is boring; if they're too hard, life is self-defeating. The trick is to move oneself in the direction of what he would like to become at a level of difficulty close to the edge of his competence. When one achieves this fine tuning of his life, he will know zest and joy and deep fulfillment.